1. Anxious.
I am the most anxious person I know. And most of it has to do with fear, more specifically fear of the unknown. Its like a nervous tick. My mind starts racing, I cant seem to get a handle of it and make it stop. I make a mental checklist of things I need to do and then try and figure out how to do it in the least amount of time. My unique circumstances make everyday life difficult. For example, at this moment in time I am 24 years old and feel like I have nothing to show for it. I am two weeks away from my 25th birthday and I feel like life is just passing me by. I'm not sure when it happened but sometime in my life I developed a timeline for myself. I realize it sounds silly, even stupid but seeing the people I graduated high school with be successful in their careers, get married and start their families is jarring. I always thought that by now I would have a successful career, be engaged and "living the american dream". Truth is, I am nowhere near there.
2.Worried
"What" and "If" by themselves are simple words, but put them together and can cause many sleepless nights. I've come to the conclusion that all of my worries stem from fears. Some are legitimate but most are irrational and ridiculous. Am I doing what God created me to do? This particular question plagues me every day, and is always followed with "what if I'm not?". What if I'm missing what God wants for me. What if I've chosen the wrong career/mate/....... the possibilities are endless. Personally I struggle with "what if I screw up (assuming I haven't already) God's ultimate plan for me?"
3. Remain.
In every conversation I have with God I talk. Its all I do. Talk, talk ,talk, talk. You'd think I would stop at some point because there would be nothing left for me to say. I always have something to say. I've had to learn to be quiet, stay quiet and listen. I don't do well with "Be still and know that I am God", but I am learning to try and hear what God is saying to me. The one word that keeps coming to me during my quiet time is 'remain'. I am so impatient, once I get to one stage in life I'm already anticipating the next stage. I never stop and enjoy the here and now.
"Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us,fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God".
Hebrews 12:1-2
I have been meditating on this verse for a while now. The visual I have for this verse is me carrying these huge, heavy bags. These bags are filled with my fears, my anxieties, my worries and all of my shortcomings. I put down the bags and run as fast as I can to My Savior. He assures me that everything is done, paid for in full and I can now have uninterrupted joy. Easier said then done.
I struggle with the idea of fully surrendering to God. Its like I find comfort in holding on to my bags because I don't know any different. Plus its incredibly difficult to not worry about money and where you are headed in life when our society has set such high standards of living.
I wish I could end this blog by writing how I fully surrendered to God's will and know exactly, beyond a shadow of a doubt, what it is He has called me to do. But that would be a lie. I struggle everyday with surrendering my fears and anxieties to Him. I'm trying to be more conscious of when I worry about something and then immediately give that to Him. I'm still a work in progress. One thing I know I want is the freedom. The freedom of not worrying, being anxious or fearful but to be joyful instead. I'm learning to slowly, one by one put these bags down and run towards Christ. That was my "A-ha" moment.
No comments:
Post a Comment