*Subject to Change

I recently had a conversation with a friend. It was encouraging. It was loving. It was humbling. Her words were the truth that I needed to hear. This post is a product of that conversation.

I've put off writing this. The idea has caused me an irrational amount of anxiety. Mainly because I fear the reactions of those who will read it. However, I also know that when the Lord has set something in my heart, it is impossible to ignore. So here goes.

I am a dreamer. I am a DACA recipient. What does that mean? I am not a citizen. I am undocumented. In short, I came to the U.S. with my mother at four years old. We came legally, on tourist visas. Those visas expired, and were never renewed. My mother tried, as best as she could as a single mom, and recieved her work authorization.  We were told that since I was a minor, I would be safely covered under her temporary status. That all changed when I turned 18. I officially became an undocumented alien. 

I lived my life in the shadows, avoiding relationships and honest heart-to-heart conversations with people about my life. It was easier to keep people at a safe distance, than try to explain away my status. So that's what I did, it's what I've been doing. I gradually lost my sense of self. 

At the same time, my relationship with Jesus Christ became very real. He showed up in my life through people who refused to let me be less than what He destined. He showed up through long time prayers that were answered. He. Showed. Up.

Back to that conversation. She asked me the question, "who are you?". This caught me off gaurd. The first answers I thought of were teacher and friend. She smiled and asked again, then again, and one more time. I don't like rapid fire questions. They make me nervous. 

"Sharon, you are the daughter of the one true King". Those words are still ringing in my ears. For so long I let my citizenship, or lack  thereof, define me. 

"You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you that you should go and bear fruit and that your fruit should abide, so that whatever you ask the Father in my name, he may give it to you".
-John 15:16

He chose me. He chose me to bear this circumstance in life to showcase His ultimate and divine authority. My lack of citizenship is not who I am. It is a small part of the large picture that the Lord has already set for me. He is greater than my immigration struggles. He is greater than any political power play from either side. He is greater than all of my fears. He. Is. Greater.

I am currently legal to work and provide for myself. That can all change in an instant. But I have no reason to question His provision. He has carried me through this far, I believe He will continue to until I have fulfilled His plan. In the meantime, I will choose joy, I will choose peace and I will continue to seek out His desires for my life. 

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. 

-Romans 8:28

Shalom.

I don’t often think of myself as a particularly talented individual, at least not in the common sense of the word “talented.” I’m not a golf prodigy, expert pianist or published author. But recently I’ve come to realize that God has given me talents that require discovery and cultivation. For instance, I have a talent for Connectedness, or at least that’s what the StrengthsFinder test has indicated to me.

StrengthsFinder is a Gallup-generated online assessment that serves as a companion tool to the national bestseller StrengthsFinder 2.0 by Tom Rath. My talent for Connectedness means I “have faith in the links between all things.” As a Christian, this makes sense to me. The test results further indicate that I believe there is a reason behind everything, and that I think all creation and humankind are linked in some way. For me, that link clearly is God and his beautiful plan for creation – a link that has been broken.

Beyond my inherent belief that God has a reason for every event and that He is the thread weaving through creation, I also recognize that we have lost much of the Connectedness God originally intended for us. I think most people feel this loss in some way. They feel isolated, unloved and broken off from the Creator. They may not fully realize that their separation from God is where their grief, worry and lack of fulfillment stem from. But at their core, everyone has some sense that things are not as they should be. It only takes 10 minutes of watching the evening news to realize that something is wrong in our world – that the world has fallen away from its potential goodness, from the way things were meant to be.

In the Bible, the word “shalom” refers to the way things ought to be. We often translate this Hebrew word to mean “peace,” but shalom goes far beyond a state of tranquility or the mere absence of conflict. Shalom is what exists when the link between God, creation and humankind is restored. In his book Not the Way It’s Supposed to Be: A Breviary of Sin, Cornelius Plantinga, Jr. gives us a great definition of shalom as “the webbing together of God, humans, and all creation in justice, fulfillment, and delight.” With the Fall, however, shalom was lost to us and the linked web of creation fell apart.

Because of our sin, four main relationships have been fractured: our relationship with God, our relationship with others, our relationship with creation and our relationship with our own self. This brokenness manifests itself in a myriad of ways: depression, feeling disconnected from God, eating disorders, bickering, selfishness and the pollution of this earth.

But because He loves us and delights in us, God has provided a way for us to be restored into relationship with Him again. The wages of sin are death, destruction, isolation and separation from God (Romans 6:23). But by sending His son Jesus to die in our place, God paid all debts and paved a way for us to live a life connected to Him again. We now have the opportunity to experience the “universal flourishing, wholeness and delight” that God intended for us (Plantinga). God longs to welcome us into His kingdom of shalom, but we have to be willing to walk through the door.

When we look to God for direction, walk with Him daily, lean on His understanding – not our own (Proverbs 3:5-6) – and delight in His plans for us and all of creation, then we can begin to experience the beauty of shalom again. God is calling us to become agents of shalom, models of shalom and witnesses to shalom. But how do we live that out in our daily lives?

That’s the question I hope to explore in my writing. I want to delve further into what shalom looks like, how God wants to restore those four fractured relationships and how we can spread the message of shalom, drawing others into His kingdom. Shalom should affect the use of our time and money and alter the rhythm of our lives. And ultimately, the church should be the central example of shalom on this earth.

I’m leaning on God’s word for direction and also looking to inspired authors like Plantinga for help interpreting God’s intended glory for this world. I don’t claim to have all the answers, nor do I expect that everyone will agree with everything I write. So I encourage you to send me your questions, offer your suggestions and share your experiences. For it is only in community that shalom can truly grow

Good Medicine for 2014

A couple weeks back, while walking through a bookstore with a friend, he pointed out a poem posted on one of the shelves, slightly hidden among the cookbooks, graphic novels and rare editions of the classics. It’s a poem I’ve heard before, one by Charles Bukowski called so you want to be a writer? In his words:

if it doesn’t come bursting out of you

in spite of everything,

don’t do it.

unless it comes unasked out of your

heart and your mind and your mouth

and your gut,

don’t do it.

if you have to sit for hours

staring at your computer screen

or hunched over your

typewriter

searching for words,

don’t do it…

unless the sun inside you is

burning your gut,

don’t do it.

I agree with Bukowski to an extent. As a writer, words often come bursting out of me, demanding to be written down before they give me a stomachache with the intensity of their force. But Bukowski seems to downplay the work that goes into forming words into intelligible thoughts, into shaping stories so that they encourage others and spread truth rather than just being a self-serving, jumbled mess of words on a page. That’s no help to anyone.

Instead, sitting down to write takes work. It can be a daunting process in that it’s hard to know where to begin sometimes. For me, thoughts and memories float around my head like dandelion spores blown about in the wind. I try to grasp at them, pin them down, and put them in an order that makes sense. Like so many molecules of sound, these thoughts bang against the walls of my brain. They are shouts and whispers clamoring for attention, each vying for the top spot, and I have to work through the process of ranking them, attempting to organize them through keystrokes and mouse clicks.

There’s also the tendency to get distracted while I write– mostly by myself and my surroundings. Even as I’m writing now, I lost focus for a few minutes, pulled out of my train of thought by a fly buzzing around my room and then by a hang nail that I started chewing on with a complete lack of self-control, like a child picking at a scab. But then my thoughts came rushing back in, forcing me to be grounded here in the present moment, curled up on my bed in a little patch of sun. I’m trying to take advantage of the warm sunlight streaming through my window. It keeps coming and going, occasionally obscured by the clouds quickly rolling in from the bay, but mostly the sun is really making an appearance today. And in my neighborhood – and in this city, in general– that is a gift that I readily receive.

The process of writing is a gift for me, too. I enjoy it, and, as is the case with most good things, writing can take effort. Occasionally, I find value in just sitting down to write without knowing where I’m going. The words take me there eventually, and that’s somewhat the point for me anyways. In writing, my jumbled thoughts and hazy memories take shape and become clearer. Words help put structure around otherwise unformed truths.

So that’s where I’m at right now, trying to determine where to begin, not quite certain where to start my story. After all, like every one’s story, mine’s nowhere near finished yet. But it’s not my story to write anyway – it’s God’s – so I’ll begin where He tells us to begin: with joy and thanks.

Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.(1Thessalonians 5:16-18)

What I’ve learned most in the past two years has been the simple, but extremely transformative truth of God’s goodness. He has brought me joy and contentment by revealing himself to me in the fun things (like becoming a high school leader at VBC) and the hard things (like my seemingly never ending immigration fiasco). As Dallas Willard puts it in his amazingly powerful book The Good and Beautiful God, I have “fallen in love with the God Jesus knows.” In getting to know God’s character more, I’ve started learning the “secret of being content in any and every situation” that Paul talks about in his letter to the Philippians: thankfulness.

That’s not to say that I’m always successful in the endeavor to be joyful in every situation, but the more time I spend with God, the more I can see him faithfully transforming me to be more like his Son, and that’s what gives me the ability to be grateful in all my circumstances: single or attached, living at home with my parents or with my sister in our apartment, five pounds up or five pounds down, succeeding at school or feeling pressed on all sides. Knowing God more for who He is (loving, good, faithful, strong) helps put me at ease and frees me up to give thanks for all that He’s done – most obviously and most importantly for the gift of His Son, which allows me to be in this supremely satisfying relationship with Him.

Next week I’ll write more about what God has been teaching me about giving thanks and making a joyful noise and how choosing joy has the power to change us – even when our circumstances stay the same. For now, I’ll leave you with this truth that God has been speaking to me lately:

A cheerful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones. (Proverbs 17:22)

I’m praying that God would give you and I a dose of good medicine this week. Let me know what you’re thankful for – or what you’re not! – so that I know more specifically how to have you on my hopefully cheerful heart.

Okay, so I admit. I meant to write this post about two weeks ago,but somehow couldn't bring myself to it. I just had no idea where to start this post or even what I wanted to say. The topic of singleness is one that I am very familiar with. Being single for so long..(several years in fact), I guess I know a thing or two about what it’s like.

I guess about 2-3 years ago is when I really started getting concerned about this whole dating/marriage/singleness concept. I partly blamed it on a strong Christian upbringing and community that values marriage. I can tell you all of the quotes that we Christian folks say but I think I’ll spare you the mantra. Obviously it’s not anyone's fault but it really opened my eyes to what I view as a very unhealthy view of singleness/dating/ marriage in the Christian Community.

In college I started to became that girl that would read all the dating/singles books, you name it ( Captivating, When God writes your love story,etc.) just trying to figure out a way to explain this stage of life for myself and hopefully for others.I think I thoroughly studied every book I could. But after a while of reading them, I realized there were still a lot of questions that I had that weren't getting answered. So I decided to look outside these books and seek biblical answers from the bible and from christian leaders. So, I decided to approach this post as me turning those questions I had into a post. So, keep in mind as I am answering these questions I am also speaking to myself . I'm not claiming to have all the answers. I am just writing about what I'm learning.
   
   1. Is singleness a gift? 

           Yes, I do believe that the state of singleness is a gift. A gift that everyone has at one point in their lives. I don't think the gift is singleness in and of its self, it's the opportunity that you have because your single that should be seen as a gift.  I believe that singleness is a gift because it gives many the opportunity to be completely devoted to God and His purpose for you during this season with no distractions or attachments. Please take advantage of this time! Singleness as I often hear is not about us and doing whatever we want to do. It's about God. Use this time to actively serve others and to whole heartily serve God. Use this gift wisely, God wants to do some amazing work through you right now but if your so focused on relationships or yourself, you will miss these opportunities and others will have missed the opportunity to be blessed by you.
   
     But I think it’s also important to remember that our circumstances do not define us. Single or Married that is not your identity. Your identity is and always will be in Jesus Christ. So, single or married that should never change the way you view yourself and it especially does not change the way God views you.
     
         2.I know I'm suppossed to trust the Lord, but a lot ot times it's really hard

  Singleness is a struggle (for some, like me). And I think a lot of churches fail to address the emotional toll it can have on an individual. Instead of empathizing, expectations and cliche's get thrown at singles. But I think whats interesting is that a lot of times we forget that struggling is a good thing. Instead of enduring them, we look for ways or excuses to get out of them. Hardtimes and difficulties come because we love the Lord and the Lord love us(James 1:2-5). A lot of people struggle with singleness because they love the Lord and they don’t want to just settle for any guy or girl at the bar. They want to be in a relationship and eventually a marriage that is God honoring. And that is amazing, that’s great but that doesn’t neccesarrily mean that is will happen right away. But you can be assured, as it says in the bible that in our hard times , God is molding us to be more like him. And after all isn’t that ultimately what we want. 2 Corinthians 12:9-10  But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me." That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. Singleness is a struggle not a curse . It's okay to feel sad some days, it's okay to tell God how you feel( He can handle it). Don't hold in your emotions and pretend that your okay on days you are feeling sad. Consult with people that you know will pray for you and take it to God and trust in him and his plans.

3. If God gives me the desires of my heart, why am I still single?

    Oh, I have heard this question many times and of course one I have asked myself. I’m sure Psalm 37:4  is  a verse that we have all heard. I think it’s an amazing verse that illustrates how much God loves and cares for us, but one that I feel has definitely been twisted around a bit. Instead of making this verse about God and our relationship with him. It's turned into making it about us and what God  owes us. I do believe that a lot of times people focus on the last half of this verse more so then the first part( which I feel is the most important(I myself included). “Take delight in the Lord” What does that mean? Find enjoyment in seeking the Lord, find enjoyment in his word, spend time with him, find yourself wanting to be more and more like him. I believe then our desires will slowly shift from what we what for ourselves to what God wants for us. And I believe then we will begin to live more fulfilling lives. We begin to walk in our purpose and live lives that aren't about us but that about God working through us to further his kingdom. It's amazing how many lives have and are changing because people are declaring to walk in their purpose. I challenge you to ask God what is it that he so desires for you to desire at this very moment in your life? I think when we start asking these types of questions our lives and our priorities begin to shift. 
     Also it's important to look at what it says before and after the verse. " Trust in the Lord...Commit your way to the Lord". When you feel that God has given you this desire in your heart, trust in him and that he will bring it to pass.

4. What do I do, now that my plans aren't what I though they would be?

     Okay, so I hear stuff like this all of the time and am guilty of doing my own planning as well. "So I will get married when I’m 24, then at 26 have 2.5 children" (Huh?)Okay I believe it’s good to dream and to plan. But when our plans have no room for God until we are 24 and we realize that’s not happening. Then we start to blame God for what we thought up in our head to happen I believe we have hit a problem. I think I might have missed that part in the bible where it says we get to choose when we get married. But I do remember it saying  "Many are the plans in a person’s heart, but it is the LORD’s purpose that prevails" -Proverbs 19:21. When we give God our lives, we are saying God I trust you and I have faith that the plans you have for me are the best. So, what do you do now? Now that the plans you had didn't or haven't happened yet? I think it's important to count your blessings. Timing is the one thing that we can't control. Instead of when God when? Be thankful for now. Don't focus on what you don't have instead in times of trials and in the good times, God calls us to always be thankful. 


"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:6-7

Final Notes

1)      I believe marriage is a calling not a prize for only “good” people.I have never been married but I do know it is an amazing God honoring thing. But the thing is, so is singleness. People who are  single should not be ashamed of that. Your just as good, just as important , just as beautiful as someone who is married. Take hold of that, own that, don’t be embarrassed, embrace it. I believe it hurts God so much when we begin to think less of ourselves. Please don't let your circumstances define you.

2)    I believe as Christians that God has laid out separate journeys for everyone. We all may end up in the same place but how we get there is different. Just because Joe Smo got married at 24 doesn’t mean you have to, your supposed to our your going to. Please, stop comparing your life/journey to everyone else. I know how hard this can be especially because of things like Facebook, instant texting and even sometimes pressure from family/friends. But follow the path that God has for you, because it’s the perfect one. It may not seem like it sometimes but when you look back at your life I believe you will see just how much God truly cares for you and how he has been protecting you this whole time. Be obedient in your season and above all your number 1 priority( whether married or single) is to Pursue God in every season, in every moment. 

Devotions. Coffee. God.

The baby is asleep, the house is picked up and I have a few moments to write. 

I've been quiet lately. Not writing much, working, going to school, and praying for direction. The kind of direction that could mean difficult decisions. What would God have me do? Right now He says wait, but waiting is difficult for me. Waiting means I can't plan.

I like to see life stretching out before me, but instead God has me waiting. The waiting has a definite end and yet I still fight against the wait. What should I pray for and how should this waiting end? What answer do I really want? What will it mean for those involved? What if the answer is no? What if it is yes? My heart squeezes at the possibilities.

All God asks me to do is leave it at His feet. Why can't I do that? He is the author of all I see. He is sovereign over all things. Why do I think I have to hurry along the waiting process? Don't get me wrong. God wants us to be wise and make plans, but He also calls us to wait on Him.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways acknowledge him,
and he will make your paths straight.

Do not be wise in your own eyes;

fear the Lord and shun evil.

This will bring health to your body

and nourishment to your bones.

Proverbs 3:5-8

Oh to trust in the LORD and not be wise in my own eyes. I pray I follow God's direction and not attempt to speed along the process.

And that seems to be the word God is pounding in my heart for this year. Two years ago God used the word stretch and 2012 was the year to grow into the stretched out spots. 2013 is the year of wait. Wait for God to move then go. Don't race ahead of Him. Only walk behind Him and wait until He directs my steps.

What word is God giving you for 2013? Will you share with me?

Anxious.Worried.Remain.

I titled this blog "Anxious. Worried. Remain" because it describes my state of mind to a tee. Its a cycle I go through every day. While most people have "A-ha" moments, I always seem to have the "Oh no" moments.

1. Anxious.

I am the most anxious person I know. And most of it has to do with fear, more specifically fear of the unknown. Its like a nervous tick. My mind starts racing, I cant seem to get a handle of it and make it stop. I make a mental checklist of things I need to do and then try and figure out how to do it in the least amount of time. My unique circumstances make everyday life difficult. For example, at this moment in time I am 24 years old and feel like I have nothing to show for it. I am two weeks away from my 25th birthday and I feel like life is just passing me by. I'm not sure when it happened but sometime in my life I developed a timeline for myself. I realize it sounds silly, even stupid but seeing the people I graduated high school with be successful in their careers, get married and start their families is jarring. I always thought that by now I would have a successful career, be engaged and "living the american dream". Truth is, I am nowhere near there.

2.Worried

"What" and "If" by themselves are simple words, but put them together and can cause many sleepless nights. I've come to the conclusion that all of my worries stem from fears. Some are legitimate but most are irrational and ridiculous. Am I doing what God created me to do? This particular question plagues me every day, and is always followed with "what if I'm not?". What if I'm missing what God wants for me. What if I've chosen the wrong career/mate/....... the possibilities are endless. Personally I struggle with "what if I screw up (assuming I haven't already) God's ultimate plan for me?"

3. Remain.

In every conversation I have with God I talk. Its all I do. Talk, talk ,talk, talk. You'd think I would stop at some point because there would be nothing left for me to say. I always have something to say. I've had to learn to be quiet, stay quiet and listen. I don't do well with "Be still and know that I am God", but I am learning to try and hear what God is saying to me. The one word that keeps coming to me during my quiet time is 'remain'. I am so impatient, once I get to one stage in life I'm already anticipating the next stage. I never stop and enjoy the here and now.

"Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us,fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God".

Hebrews 12:1-2

I have been meditating on this verse for a while now. The visual I have for this verse is me carrying these huge, heavy bags. These bags are filled with my fears, my anxieties, my worries and all of my shortcomings. I put down the bags and run as fast as I can to My Savior. He assures me that everything is done, paid for in full and I can now have uninterrupted joy. Easier said then done.

I struggle with the idea of fully surrendering to God. Its like I find comfort in holding on to my bags because I don't know any different. Plus its incredibly difficult to not worry about money and where you are headed in life when our society has set such high standards of living.

I wish I could end this blog by writing how I fully surrendered to God's will and know exactly, beyond a shadow of a doubt, what it is He has called me to do. But that would be a lie. I struggle everyday with surrendering my fears and anxieties to Him. I'm trying to be more conscious of when I worry about something and then immediately give that to Him. I'm still a work in progress. One thing I know I want is the freedom. The freedom of not worrying, being anxious or fearful but to be joyful instead. I'm learning to slowly, one by one put these bags down and run towards Christ. That was my "A-ha" moment.

Decaffeinate Your Love Life.

After having coffee with a close friend, I found myself fully awake at midnight. Shocker. Being awake late at night causes my mind to reel, and from it come my analyzations on life, relationships and coffee. Enjoy.

Starbucks has pretty much made a business of facilitating the meticulous meet-ups with our girlfriends where we overanalyze every date and relationship tiff we’ve ever had. And people always wonder why there’s a Starbucks on every corner. The reasoning is simple really. Starbucks planted a shop on every block to capitalize on the relationship woes of women everywhere. It’s kind of genius when you think about it. There’s always a Starbucks down the block so meeting with your girls in a central place is always easy; coffee (as opposed to mid-morning alcohol) is a socially acceptable drink to discuss emotional context over; it’s a cheap enough expense for you not to feel guilty about it (what’s a four dollar coffee when you get to spend 2 quality hours with your girls extracting the meaning of life?); and coffee is still considered sexy as opposed to a full meal where you might be tempted to throw off your latest diet plan.

So what’s the problem? In addition to the emotional adrenaline you’ve built up from examining your relationship dilemma, you’re adding caffeine to the mix, creating a hyperactive love life that never really gives you the chance to slow down. While you don’t have to give up caffeine rush from coffee (because really what girl could actually live without?) you can lay off the adrenaline from overthinking every little blip on the relationship radar. Not everything means something bigger than what it is.

As girls, we sometimes rely too much on creating relationships with each other exclusively through venting about our love lives. For some reason women bond over analyzing men; clearly Starbucks understands that, but do women?

So here we are, women of the world all hopped up on emotions and double macchiatos wondering when things got so complicated and messy, completely oblivious of the fact that we made them that way (with the help of the delicious but potentially deadly coffee slurpee fondly referred to as the Frappaccino). We rush through our love lives expecting to figure it all out in minutes and then go about the rest of our days at work.

In understanding how to slow down the part of your mind that runs rampant on relationship qualms, you have to realize that things are not always symbolic of something else. Sometimes an argument about what movie to see is just an argument over what movie to see and sometimes an “off day” is just an awkward day. Instead of getting high on symbolism it’s imperative to remember that not every moment in your relationship lends itself to something “bigger.”

Not every cup of coffee needs to keep the company of a relationship woe and not every relationship woe needs a cup of coffee. Use coffee as a spark for your workday but don’t look to coffee dates with your girlfriends to overanalyze your love life. It’s time you slow down and spend more time living your love life, rather than talking about it.